Yet I’m Alone

If you were to ask me, how this past year was. I would pause and take a moment and tell you it’s the same as every year before it. Standing crowded rooms yet I’m alone. I sit in a room with family yet I’m alone. I spend time with friends yet I’m alone. I can go on a date yet. I’m alone.

I give everything that I have for those around me pouring into your cup till it’s overflowing. I’ll even pour into it when I have nothing left because my cup is empty. Somehow and somewhere I still find something to pour into others. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. My cup is dry. Yeah that’s normal. It’s the same as the year before and the year before that.

I show up. And I go home alone. I sacrifice and yet I’m alone.

This year. You might find me more quiet. I think I’ll keep things to myself this year because what I say doesn’t mean much anyway. When I speak I’m usually misunderstood or not heard. I’m used and overlooked. I question my value because no one values me. I’m exhausted. So why do it? Good question. So if I talk less this year you’ll understand why. If I’m quiet, you’ll understand why. I think this year I will keep to myself. I’ve always kept my friend’s circle small. I’ve done it on purpose. If there’s no one around you then there’s nobody there to disappoint you. Use you or mistreat you. If you’re alone, nobody can hurt you or manipulate you.

I’m on empty. There’s nothing left in my cup cuz I’ve given it away. I’m tired and I’m exhausted.

If I’m colder this year it’s because I have nothing left to give. If I’m quiet it’s because I have nothing more to say. If I keep to myself it’s because I’m not seen anyway. The only way I keep my cup full is if I don’t pour it out into others.

Maybe someday someone will pour into my cup. Maybe someday I will be worth something to someone else. Maybe someday somebody will pour into me.

Don’t be mad at me for putting walls up. Don’t judge me for not trusting. I’m only going off what’s given to me. Or lack of in my case.

What’s sad about this? Isn’t that I feel alone. It’s that I’m okay with it. That’s how comfortable this is. That’s how normal it is. I guess that’s my Norm

So I walk into 2026 as usual, on my own.

Don’t get me wrong. There are people around me, I have family and few friends but that doesn’t mean they see me nor do they hear me.

It’s easier to be alone. Can’t disappoint anyone or not be good enough. There’s no one to misunderstand you. No one to hurt you. Nobody telling you you’re not good enough. Your mind doesn’t have to overthink because you’re trying so hard to be good enough and nobody acknowledges it. So it’s just easier to be alone. Then the only person you can disappoint is yourself. Just one person to worry about. Instead of living up to everybody else’s expectations, all you have to do is worry about yourself. Can’t make everybody happy anyway.

So I will get up. Go to work, come home, go to bed and repeat. Until next year. Or until the Lord takes me home. Quite frankly He can do it anytime I’m ready.